Pre-Storm and Fend For All

Monday, January 31st is the day prior to our big honking winter storm.  Stopped this morning before work and dropped off a 50 pound back of Mag pellets at my parents house.  Magnesium pellets work better in colder temps than rock salt and it seems to last longer too.  Then I made a quick stop at the Shop-N-Save.  Wanted to get a few more necessities: coffee, 12-grain bread, cheese spread, summer sausage, Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats, Chex Mix, candles and windshield de-icer.

Once I got to work the talk revolves around nothing but the storm heading our way.  Why?  Not because it's the big topic of the media, but because during the winter that is what we do...snow/ice removal and control.  We have a three day event ahead of us and our people are gonna be stretched and pushed to their extreme limits.  We got hotel rooms rented that everyone can share in shifts, no one will be going home I presume until Thursday maybe.  I feel bad, I do, I don't want to be out in bad weather but there goes every other employee I work with.  I am the only one who doesn't plow or salt or shovel. 

Well the freezing rain started about 10am or so and the trees and power lines immediately started getting coated, the deck off the back of our office was ice covered and it wasn't going to be getting any better.  So at lunch I called it a day.  Set my out of office assistant on my email stating I would not be returning until Thursday.  Made it home just fine at 20 miles per hour and started tending to miscellanous things that may need to be done if power is lost and it can't get done later....laundry, baking, vacuuming.  So every item in the house is washed and the last load is going into the dryer in just a bit.  Baked a batch of brownies because it just seemed like a logical thing to do.   

Had to pick my daughter up from work at 5:30 tonight.  Left at about 4:40 because I was gonna take all side streets there.  Again at 20-25 miles an hour there wasn't really any problem traveling.  The trees were really getting a good coat of ice build up.  Have to admit ice makes everything look so beautiful and magical.  However, I realize that ice is like a monster behind a pretty mask.  On the way back home I decided I would take the highway as it would be quicker.  Bad move!  Even though I was in the slow lane going 45 miles an hour or so I got scared to death.  Going North on Hwy 170 from Delmar, I only got as far as Olive where the highway goes over Olive Road and there goes my car sliding all over my lane.  Thank God there was no car in the lane next to me as my car was easily taking up my lane and part of the one to the left of me all on it's own.  As soon as we cleared the overpass the pavement was just merely wet and not icy so we got our bearing right back, but that was it for me.  I got off the highway at the next exit and took side roads home.  My nerves were shot and my hands were shaking.

Made it home, took the dog out and got dinner made.  The oh so popular Fend For All.  That is what we call it when we simply pull out all the frozen things that have been opened but not all used up but by themselves aren't enough to cook on their own anymore.  So we had chicken nuggets, fish sticks, onion rings, garlic-parmesan rolls.  Nothing nutritional in that dinner at all! :)  But at least it cleared out a few things from the freezer.

Tonight we are expecting freezing rain and sleet and that is supposed to continue until tomorrow night about 6pm or so when it will change to snow.  Depending on the newschannel you watch we are either in the 5-10" swatch or the 9-16" section.  Either way that much snow on top of all this frozen precipitation is not good news at all!  I think my best bet is to just go to bed early tonight as I know tomorrow the stress of the weather will be weighing on me.  Nothing you can do about it, but it still just gets to me and literally drains the life out of me. 

So if you are anywhere in the midwest and are sharing part of this storm, please be careful!  I'm praying for safety for us all.

Dreaded Bad Weather!

Yes indeed, I live in the glorious midwest!  The midwest - where nature will wreak havoc on you during every season!  As we all know it's winter and winter this year, in my opinion, which may not be shared with everyone everywhere, has been yucky!  I am ready for winter to be finished and go back up to the North Pole or Iceland or somewhere it should be to help out our ice cap situation!  Dropping ice and snow here in Missouri won't help the global picture at all, so I for one would like to start a movement or petition to let Mother Nature or whomever know that I've had my share and would kindly like it to move on. 

Tonight I am sitting before my computer trying to get my "fix" in, on the cusp of yet another storm.  This one, as the weather people here have been warning us could be catastrophic.  Catastrophic!  Thank you Anthony Slaughter for that!  I have enough issues with panic and worry when it comes to bad weather, but when weatherman use that word....well, that just doesn't help.  I coulda smacked his smiling face this morning!  If you live in Missouri chances are you took time out of your weekend schedule to "stock up" at the grocers, possibly buy rock salt and if you have enough funds and were lucky enough to find one - a generator.  Honestly I need to look into the price of a generator.  One that would be big enough to run the heat (or a/c - depending on the season my power would go out), my refrigerator, one light and a t.v.  That's it!  If I could be at peace knowing even if the power was out that I wouldn't be uncomfortable in my home (either freezing or roasting), that the food I have purchased wouldn't go bad and I could watch t.v. to pass time and also have enough light to not have to carry a flashlight.  Granted I would still worry about things related to the weather but I wouldn't be frightened of it's impact on me and my daughter if I knew we were minimally comfortable. 

My fear of bad weather started in 2006 or so.  It was the year of the last big ice storm.  Lost power then for 6 or 7 days.  My home was barely 40 degrees and it was horrible.  That year I also lost power 2 other occassions both for 5-8 days a pop.  I think that year set me up for worry.  The very next year (I think or it could've been 2008) we had late summer rains that were out of control.  My basement flooded because the sewer systems couldn't handle all the run off.  I had 6-8" of raw sewage in my basement and nearly everything I had stored there was ruined.  Had to take two or three days off work to clean that mess.  So I guess it's been a cumulative effect of several years of bad luck in weather. 

Maybe it was where I lived during those years?  I am in a new home now, on a different power grid, maybe my luck will be different here?  I can only hope and pray that it is!  So this is my warning...if I talk about nothing else other than weather for the next week, please bear with me!  I have to get it off my chest.  Don't worry my rants about it won't last forever, just until the next storm :)

Jan 23-29 Weekly Recap: Gratitude

Came up with this idea to recap my weeks with what I was grateful for.  Thought it may be a fast easy way to look back at the end of the year and remember some of the things that may have otherwise gone by the wayside and been forgotten. So I am getting a late start for the year but better late than never.  Here we go:  January 23 through 29, 2011:

*  Three hour phone call with my friend Jim Allen.  It was so great hearing a voice that I hadn't heard since high school and catching up on all sorts of things!

* Shoveling snow again.  Yep I am grateful that I am still healthy and able enough to take an 11" snow and get it cleared off my sidewalks and driveway by myself.  Don't get me wrong, I took a midway break but one must be careful not to overdo it.

* New books!  That speaks for itself!

* Getting teeth polished.  Had my 6-month check up this past week and am pretty thankful that I have had no cavities for 33 years and really no other problems either.  Yay!

*  Having a work lunch with my office friends at my favorite restaurant 'House of India'.  Mmmmm, Chicken curry, basmati rice, na'an, potatoes in chick pea batter, tandoori chicken...Yum Yum Yum!

* Getting a call from an old neighbor's girlfriend (Maggie) thanking me for sending her photos of her cat Sinatra.

* Another great lunch at 'JJ Twigs' with my administrative team.  This time yum consisted of a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich and fries.  Spicy delicious.

* Having a great day at work Thursday.  It was short lived but nonetheless, Thursday was good.

* Watching my daughter hold her cell phone up to my car heater vents as she is using her Shazam phone application to find the name of an artist singing a song.  Upon watching her do this for the 2nd time in a month my simple comment was... "You realize you are holding your phone up to the heat vent don't you?"  Well, quick story, no she didn't realize it!  At 20 years old she thought it was the car speaker!  Why am I grateful for this?  Without Victoria, where else would I get a story as funny as this?

* Excedrin Migraine.  So thankful that most of my migraine pain can be controlled with Excedrin Migraine and coffee!  Wish it would help with the flashing lights they cross my field of vision because it makes it very hard to drive when I can't see, but at least the pain is addressed enough to function.

* Antique Malls.  My trip to the local antique mall found me bringing home a new bedside table and angel for my bedroom.  I just love finding old items that fit my space and needs for a heck of a lot less than retail and with so much more personality.

Surprise!

Over the past weekend I had been going through some old photos on my computer and found a few I had taken of my old neighbor (Jeff) girlfriend's (Maggie) cat (Sinatra).  Maggie didn't live with Jeff, but she spent many days and nights there.  When she did stay over she brought her two cats along.  One cat, Sinatra, was allowed to roam the fenced backyard and bird watch.  My two dog's loved this cat and would just get all giddy upon seeing her.  In fact when they didn't want to come outside I would just mention Sinatra's name and like magic the excitement of being outside was present! 

Anyway, Sinatra is just the run of the mill grey striped tabby with beautiful blue eyes.  She was a gorgeous and polite cat and I would always talk to her and poke my fingers through the fence petting her.  One day she was out sunning herself in the overly long grass (Jeff was not a frequent mower) and I had my camera with me.  She was pretty close to the fenceline so I sat down opposite her and snapped a few photos.  I remember just loving the pictures but for some reason never mentioned to Maggie or Jeff that I had taken them.  As I said above, over the weekend I stumbled upon them again.  So I downloaded them to Walgreens.com and had 5 by 7 glossies made.  I got a card, slid the photos in there with a short note to Maggie.  Monday I looked her address up on the internet while at work and dropped it in the mail. 

This morning one of the first calls I received at work was Maggie.  She was so touched that I had taken the photos and thought of sending them after all these years (about 3).  We chatted for a bit and she commented that Sinatra has been on a diet and is now down to 19 pounds.  Maggie and I definitely have one thing in common, fat cats! :)

What I learned today is that by just doing something simple that really requires no effort and sometimes no monetary value or very little as in this case, that you can just make someone's day and in doing so, can make your own day a bit brighter too. 

A Collection or Two Too Many

Was just sitting in bed this evening listening to music while I was reading.  Finished reading and then flipped through the 7 tv channels that I receive on my bedroom television.  Not cable in here, just one of them there fancy digital receivers :) So I get the local channels plus a couple "extras".  Two of the extra channels are music stations, one is old school 1980-1990 music mostly and the other is country.  Was pretty happy to sing along to The Hooters a moment ago, but I digress....

Rainbow of colors!  Aluminum tumbler set!

Anyway as I was sitting here looking around my room, I noticed that I have quite a few 'collections'.  Then it came to me that I am definitely a collector.  I am by no means a hoarder of things as clutter at any level drives me crazy, but I collect.  On my wall I made a collection of plates as a display.  There are currently 18 books in my room, so yes this is just a small portion of a larger collection (or library) of books.  Books are my passion.  I love them!  Reading them, owning them, losing myself in their stories or lessons.  What I need to do is either purchase, build or rehab something into a proper shelving system so they can be properly displayed.  Just ask any of the family members who helped carry boxes into this house in November 2009 and they will agree that many of the boxes were extremely heavy and labeled "Books".  My collections don't end there though.  Nope, I have what some may call a collection of coffee mugs (even though I probably gave the Goodwill 20 or so when I moved here and unpacked).  I'd guess I have 30 or more in the cabinet right now?  That's a lot for 2 people!  I also have a pretty big collection of 1950's-1960's glassware.  Let's not forget the hundreds of 1950's-1970's kitschy Christmas decorations.  Then there are the Native American/Indian Dolls that are packed away.  I'd venture an estimate of several hundred Pez dispensers are packed in boxes as well.

What does this say about me?  Other than having a propensity for garish retro items, I may have revealed myself to be a bit nerdy :)  Some of these collections I have thought about going online (eBay or the like) and selling off the majority of items.  My love for one thing turned into a huge collection of items that as a whole mean less than the one important item that began it all.  Selling these would be a little sad, but if someone else would love them more then I should send them off to a better shelf! 

Is there magic in controlling the tape measure?  Is it mind over matter?  Self-control? The right program? Personal trainer? Or could it be something else?

I am waiting for the answers but perhaps they are not "out there".  Maybe they are inside, in a place that I haven't looked yet. 

For years I have been a pro at getting in shape, losing excess weight, eating better (never have I eaten a balance diet though), I've played by the rules of Weight Watchers with much success. But the doubt always creeps back in, self-sabotage, and in no time at all - I end up back where I started or worse.  What am I  really running or hiding from?

There have been the excuses: the sedentary job; bad knees; genetics; age; boredom; too expensive; too much time...and so on.

What does it really boil down to?  I am not a lazy person, I know good choices vs. bad choices, I am fully aware of the consequences physically and emotionally.   I will no longer replace one addictive behavior with another "for the greater good".  There is an answer, it is within me - my spirit - and I just need to listen and focus and trust.

A Walk in the Park

This morning after I dropped my daughter off at work, I stopped by the Missouri Botanical Gardens for a walk.  There's something especially peaceful about going there on a cold wintry day.  In the spring and summer the garden is just packed with visitors who come to ooh and ahh over all the flowers and greenery.  In fact, I am one of those visitors too, I spend a lot of hours at this garden.  I plan my summer around the Whitaker Music Festival which is a free concert series in the park on Wednesday nights (10 in a row).  When I am bored with nothing else on my agenda, I just go to the park. 

But during the winter, especially when there is a good coat of snow on the ground and the lake is frozen!  Now that is one of my favorite times to visit!  Why?  Generally, the park is pretty empty.  You can walk, sit, talk out load, think, sing or whatever and no one will likely be observing.  Always with camera in hand, I just walked and took a handful of photos.  Mainly of the Robins.  I love to bird watch and for some reason, as I look back at lots of my bird photos, the majority of them are Robins.  This thought came to me last night in another context that I am not going to reveal here, but they are one of my favorite birds.  Such a common bird, especially here in the midwest.  Today they were mainly eating berries off of the hollies and other wintering berry shrubs.  In a few months when spring comes and the ground is soft with the April rains, I will be sitting at my patio table watching the Robin's tip their head to the side and stand quietly listening and then suddenly drive that beak into the ground and pull out the worms. 

This is my ritual, I am a bird watcher, I keep my feeders full to attract them to my yard, I supply them clean water, I sit and watch and photograph.  Oh yeah, and I talk to them too! :)

"Criminal Minds" is to TV as Victoria is to _____?

It is a commercial break during my favorite tv show "Criminal Minds".  Some may find this show upsetting as the whole premise is the workings of the mind of the criminal, to me it is fascinating.  For years now nearly all my favorite tv programs are of the same genre...Law & Order (all the spinoffs as well as the original), CSI, etc. you get the idea.  As I was watching tonight it came to me why.  During high school I loved psychology and criminology, when I went to college my major was psychology.  It had been my hope to pursue this line of work - the ins and outs of people's thoughts and actions.  I think if I would have followed this dream through to the end, that the line of work in these shows although graphic and disturbing, seemingly unimaginable, would be where I would've like to have gone with my career.

My life now is light years away from that dark area of study, I work as an office administrator, try as I might I try to keep things in order - try to befriend everyone in my office - try to do a good job so I can provide for my daughter and self.  Nothing in what I do as part of my job is even similar to this subject matter that fascinates me.  Maybe it was not my destiny to actually do what I thought I was supposed to do.  Perhaps the grim reality of living the life as a person analyzing criminal behavior would have been more than I could cope with.

Success (as it relates to a person's job) is not in the amount of money you make, it's not in fame or recognition, it's not about what "it" can get for you.  I am successful, I do a good job although there is always room for improvement.  Essentially I like what I do.  Of course, there are tasks in my duties that I like less than others (I hate hounding people to pay bills).  For a long time, I felt unsuccessful because I had set such high expectations for myself and let those float away. 

But...and here's the clincher...everything that replaced the dream of a career in psychology, are things I wouldn't trade now no matter what.  Even the cruddy parts.  I became a mom instead and honestly that was one job that was definitely not on my list of things "to do".  It was just something that was not part of what I thought I would be.  Well guess what?  Life threw me a curve ball, but I think I still knocked it out of the park.  My daughter, Victoria, although horribly spoiled by no fault of my own (ha ha ha) is a good person.  Yes she is self-absorbed, yes she is slob by my standards which is a source of our biggest grievances towards each other, but she is a good person.  And really, what more defines success than that?

Puff Daddy

My cat!  He is quite a sight and quite the pain :)  He is now nearly 14 years old.  Back in May of 1997, he was found in a mulch pile with four of his siblings.  My then boyfriend brought the whole litter home.  Well I am allergic to cats, cat scratches in particular.  But when he showed me the box of 5 babies I knew one (at least) was mine.  We took them up to the Humane Society to drop off the ones we were not intent on keeping.  I had asked the vet tech which of the kitties were female as I prefer all female pets.  I believe there were two in the litter who fit the bill.  I chose the rowdier orange and white one, the rest were left behind to find homes elsewhere.  So we get home and go through the name selection process and so she was named.  We were also told the kittens were maybe 4 weeks old and probably not properly weened yet, but since someone discarded them what could ya do?  So little Puff came home and made friends with the dog sisters, Lexus and Claire.  Lexus was a beautiful black Chow Chow/Bassett Hound mix and Claire was my rescued Greyhound.  The three got along just fine.

Not long down the road, maybe a month or so, I notice Puff has some extra business down there behind her tail.  Come to find out she was not a she but a he.  It took a while to start referring to him as a boy, thank goodness we didn't pick a more feminine name either.  During his kitten years up till the time he was about 7 or 8, he was a fiesty cat.  Oh boy!  He would run through the house and out of nowhere jump up and grab hold of your arm if you were walking by and just hang on, or do the drive-by bite of your calf and keep going.  Once he got too close to a burning candle and all his whiskers were burnt off one side of his face.  Just a few years ago in fact, he was again on the coffee table with a candle and my brother-in-law smelled something burning.  It was Puff again.  This time it was his tail.  Nothing serious, just singed but still!  So we now no longer do candles at all.  It is just safer this way.
Over the years Puff picked up quite a few nicknames.  Puff, Puffy, Puffer Belly, P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Dee, Buddy, and Fat Ass.  He has grown to a healthy 20 pounds on the dot (just weighed him about 10 seconds ago).  Had to be sure I didn't exaggerate his rubenesque stature. 

He is definitely a character.  Over the years he has become quite the lover.  Always wanting his forehead kissed, will lick my arm like a dog would, lays on the bed with me and snores like a 70 year old man.  He's been through a couple sets of dogs and is the best cat around dogs really.  He discovered he likes to go outside and sit in the sun just this past fall.  Puff is my current dog's, Jing-Mei, best friend and partner in crime when it comes to begging or waking me up at 5:15 every morning.  We are all on a pretty exact schedule.

Sometimes I look at Puff and wonder what I would ever do without him.  He's been with me so long and although he is not a "fancy" cat, he is beautiful to me.  I hope everyone has a Puff Daddy of some sort in their home.

Lobby for a Hobby

It's a new year and I am in search of a new hobby.  I keep throwing ideas around my head and nothing seems perfect.  In the past I have dabbled in quite a few activities: bicycling (did a 150-mile bike race over a 2-day weekend with my sis back in 1999), hiking (which I LOVED until my double knee surgery 'fix' started going downhill again), photography (which I still like to do but prefer the warmer weather as my favorite things to photograph are insects), took about a years worth of bellydance lessons as well but again the knees can't handle that bent knee position constantly, used to love painting and drawing but fell out of practice and now my drawing ability is about that of a middle school student.

So in the midst of seeing what others do, have purchased some yarn and needles and have yet to try to make a stitch.  Still need to go pick up a beginners crochet book or take a class at the community college.  Which I am considering more and more, now that my mom has mentioned she would like to start crocheting again but never was more proficient than just a few stitch styles.  But even with that in mind, which would be a great winter activity, I want to do something that has more immediate results and quite frankly more bling!  I want pretty colors, sparkles, beads - I know I should just get a Bedazzler! Seriously though!  There are a few of my flickr contacts (for anyone reading this who is unsure what flickr is, it is an online photosharing website ) who do felting as a hobby and actually for a living.  I think this is something I would like.  Imagine all the colors that felt comes in, it's like construction paper but better!  Bugs and Fishes is one of my favorites, she is just so crafty and cute. 

But with a lot of things I start, I go a little OCD on it.  If I start felting, I will need to create a desk area and get supplies and start drawing ideas and making lists :).  I will need bins or storage containers of some sort.  All of this so my friends and family can start receiving home-crafted ornaments affixed to their gifts, or a surprise "I just thought of you and made this" in the mail.  Finally the days of thinking that if I could buy that perfect gift for someone it would make their day, I want to be a little more creative and personal and hand someone a little something that is truly from me...my idea, my design, my time and my love all wrapped into a little homemade "thing". 

There it is, my idea!  Be ready everyone, I think I am gonna hit up Hobby Lobby this Saturday!

Sunday Night Slowdown

All in all, today was a pretty good day.  Got a long list of chores completed, as well as some running around doing grocery shopping, washing car, etc finished.  Then was visited by both my mom and sister, separately, today.  Now that all the visitors have left and all the chores are crossed off the list, my choices for the remainder of my night may only include dinner, reading and bed.  With that being said...it couldn't have been more perfect of a day.

A Teacher

This morning I had the opportunity to sit down with a woman, formerly only known to me as Miss Winter.  Miss Winter was my 6th grade teacher, many more years ago than I would to like to admit, at Kratz Elementary.  In 1977, Miss Winter worked magic in a classroom of about 25 students and after all my schooling was complete, she was the one teacher I looked back on and said, "She was my favorite." 

My memories of that year include small snippits of a teacher with a gift of storytelling, I remember ending the days sitting on the floor as she sat in a chair and read to us, a room crammed full of stuff (seems she collected things and had lots on the walls and shelves), I can picture the hallway and door to "her room" and should I walk into that school today would be able to find it in a snap. Maybe I remember this year because it was my last year of elementary schooling?  I look back at the photo of kids in the class that year and know that a lot of them are on Facebook, but only have one of them as my friend.  Valerie, who I learned just a few weeks ago, also said Miss Winter was her favorite.  So maybe this was a great year, or maybe we just had a great teacher!  I think it is both!

There I am smack dab in the center a whole 11 years old!  Miss Winter is at the top right.  I wish I would've asked someone at the Bread Co. this morning to take our photo together today!  Let's just say, we both look exactly the same!  I, now at 44, only have a different hairstyle - the bangs have grown out and match the length of my hair (which remarkably is about the same length and color now - thank you Clairol).  Miss Winter, if I could switch out her long black hair and replace it with a short crop of white hair, hasn't aged a day either! :)

What did I learn today?  I learned Miss Winter, who I shall now refer to as Sue, is pretty darn special.  Sue retired in 2006 due to a severely broken leg.  Some retirees take this time to slow down others just the opposite.  As far as I can tell, she is the opposite.  She is now preparing for an all girls summer camp down in Ironton that she got the go ahead for this past year.  The camp sounds awesome!  Like nothing I have ever heard about before.  It's for girls ages 7-17, but get this it is for older women too!  Yep, she is combining these young campers with an older generation.  Said she was gonna first refer to them as the "grannies" but decided "Silver Scouts" was a better idea.  The Silver Scouts will get the only air conditioned cabin and will be matched with a group of girls.  The girls will be from "underpriviledged" homes (those who couldn't afford other camps and those new to the United States).  In Missouri, we have a huge influx of refugees from places like Nepal, Bhutan, Kenya, etc and Sue is bringing people involved with these types of groups together to get these new young girls involved as well.  She helps lead a woman's conference in the fall.  In my opinion, she is a mini-ministry on foot, sharing in her deep love of Christ.  Her laugh and smile is honest!  She has a zeal for life and mentioned more than once that her mind goes a lot faster than her body these days, so has learned the hard way to slow down a bit. 

During our talk, it was discovered we both share a love for a good meal of Indian food.  So it's decided the next time we meet we are heading to Priya. 

I am so glad that I took our chance meeting back in December and took the next step.  There's something unique an "older" friend can share.  Not saying she is "old" as she is merely 19 years my senior, but I think I could learn a thing or two.  Here's to new friends!

Sharing of Stories

A friend I met online, right here on Facebook, asked me to write a little story a couple of weeks ago.  It is linked here.  http://jenniferslatterylivesoutloud.com/

Many of my friends and family may not know a lot about my religious side.  I'd like to take this opportunity to let them meet me where I am today.

Growing up as a child I was not raised in a home where religion was discussed, we didn't attend church, we didn't say a blessing at the dinner table, we didn't say our prayers before bed.  I don't think my parents are anti-religion and in fact, I honestly don't know.  I can't tell you right now if they attended church as children and if so what type of church or why they stopped going.  I guess that is something I should find out...just because.

Well I recall for a short time a blue church bus that picked me up at home and I went by myself.  Perhaps a friend went and that is why I did, I am not sure as I don't recall.  All I do know is that didn't seem to go on for very long.  A long time passed before I entered through the doors of a church again to attend services.  In fact it was probably a decade.  In 1987 I was 20 years old and started attending the First Presbyterian Church of Independence Missouri with my best friend Dena and her family (mom, Rose Marie, and sisters, Diana and Dawn Marie).  It was June 4th, 1987 that I chose to be baptised and received membership to the church.  Shortly after that my enlistment into the U.S. Army began.  I turned 21 in September 1987 during my Basic Training.  Upon arriving at Fort Jackson, South Carolina the Gideons International folks hand out those tiny little orange Bibles.  That little book was my first Bible and I am not sure what happened to it all those years ago.  But each night after our long days of training (and they were long days as we were only required to be allowed to sleep for 4 hours a day) I would read a little bit before falling asleep.  Somewhere along the line, the reading faded away and so did attending services.  Again my religion was nicely boxed up and put away.  I wasn't a "non-believer", I was just a non-participator.

I think over the years I may have attended 2 or 3 services since joining back in 1987.  Early in 2010, I was reunited with my cousin Robin and so my reintroduction with the Almighty as well.  Having Robin back in my life was the first of my blessings this year (as it pertains to this portion of my life) she is someone with such a strong faith and hope, it was something I was drawn to.  All my wishing and waiting for luck to come my way, just wasn't panning out as much as I would've liked.  I began to realize that I just had to accept the gift that belief in God gives us.  It gives up hope without worry.  It's a gift that keeps giving and grows the more you use it.  You don't have to throw a penny in a fountain or wish upon a star or be sure you blow out all your candles with one breathe...you just have to say YES.  So I did.  It was pretty simple and pretty profound.

I took myself to my favorite store - the book store - and bought a Bible of my own.  I began reading and have gotten almost half way through.  A short time thereafter I found a book "Women of the Bible" at a second hand store that hand never been opened and bought that and have found that miraculously whatever I seem to be reading in there pertains exactly to what my Bible is telling me. 

I had decided that maybe I should go to church again too.  I went to a few different services at a few different churches but none seem to feel right for me.  There are a lot of different churches! I began to worry because I thought I was being too picky, but then came to the mindset that when the right place came along I would know it.  So I haven't forced that too much, being a believer isn't in attending a brick and mortar structure, it's in us - in our heart.  I decided for the time being I would get my "word" from my reading, but then starting listening to our local Christian radio station.  Now I would've made fun of rock-n-roll religion in the past, but once I listened, I liked.  They are songs with beats just like your pop station or country station but with a good message, there is no hate or cursing or demeaning lyrics.  So if you see me beebopping around town I am just as likely to be listening to Christian Contemporary as I am to country western, pop, alternative, hip hop, whatever.  I am not prejudice on my likes of music - although I do now tend to turn off or switch channels when something I don't think is appropriate is playing.

For Christmas my cousin sent me a few more books to add to my reading.  So now each night there are a couple devotionals added in to my nightly routine.  What has this belief changed for me this year?  Well for a few...I am more forgiving, more peaceful in general, more hopeful for the future no matter what it holds because I know that whatever it is that happens I can handle it.  When I tell people I will pray for them, I mean it.  My prayers are more about other people; friends, family; strangers and less about me.  I feel free.

:(

Had a pretty bad day yesterday or at least it ended that way.  Thought a session of quiet time in reflection would help, it didn't.  Tried with all my might to just go to sleep to get reprieve from my thoughts and against my will I think I was somewhere between awake and trying to sleep most of the night as the horror of my thoughts kept circling my head.  This morning I am a mess, at least that is how I look according to the mirror.  No amount of make-up will hide my puffy eyes or the bags camped out beneath them.  I will go to work, I will put on the best face I can, I will make small talk and laugh, I will try to not think about anything.

My heart is broken and aches more than any word I can type. 

Microwave Soup for the Snow Removal Team

I work for a landscape company, one of the largest and most well known across the country.  During "off season" months we become primarily a snow removal business.  Before working at this company snow used to hold a certain peaceful quality to me.  If the snow was treacherous, well you just call in to work and say you'll make it in tomorrow.  Now...it's another story.  Snow is a monster, snow is a ton of extra work.  When it snows, if I can't make it to work well they'll come get me.  No one calls the office and comments on the prettiness of the snow, to talk about their kids making snowmen or sledding.  If the phone rings it is because of a problem.  Snow is where it shouldn't be, icy patches need to be addressed, we hit a curb (or worse). 

One of my resolutions for the new year, as far as work is concerned, was to try to be nicer - in general.  So today at lunch I was going to run to the grocery store to be sure we had coffee in the office for everyone who's doing snow.  They pull long hours and it's cold outside!  I figured the least I could do was to be sure if they pop in the office at 7pm tonight or 3am tomorrow morning there'd be coffee here to warm them up.  Well I head into the grocery store and an idea comes to mind, what if I buy a bunch of microwaveable soups, oyster crackers, some apples and oranges, Oreos and Little Debby cupcakes so that when they come in they could grab a quick bite to eat as well?  So I stock up on soup!  Unable to make a decision on what would be the most popular brand or flavors, I simply grab one of each and every brand and kind of microwave soup.  Yep, one of each!  So I have nearly 30 soups in my carton, I proceed to grab the other things as well.  Unfortunately when I got to the office and unloaded my goodies, I realize the one thing I went for I forgot.  That dern coffee!  Gonna run up to the Walgreens here in a minute as it is just two blocks away and get that before I leave work this evening. 

But what is uplifting about the soup run, is the guys that pop in and grab one and are thankful and appreciative that they were thought of in this little way.  Not sure why I (or anyone else here) has not considered something like this before, but for a small sum of money that we'd spend for 4-5 people to grab a meal during snow removal, I was able to purchase enough for maybe 25 or so quick meals. 

It feels good to do nice things! :)

Excuses

Just listening to the Evening News on NBC and the last topic was the shooting in Tucson.  They had clips of viewers calling in stating a comment and one that really bothers me is the kind that go something like this "...it was not the gun that killed people, it was his mental illness..."

Does anyone besides me get angry at this?  Why is it when a person knowingly does something that is offensive and uncomprehendable so many people jump on the mental illness band wagon?  Is it possible that this is just a person who is evil, planned a horrible thing and carried it through?  There are bad people in this world and they are all not mentally ill.  In my opinion, it puts a bad light on the folks that honestly do suffer from different sorts of mental illness yet never cause harm to anyone.

Sometimes there is just no reason that most of us can think of that a person would purposely and willingly carry out such an act, but guess what....people do and we may never understand it.

Internet Withdrawal

Like many people who spend time on the computer, I am "on" everyday.  Usually the first thing in the morning after the pets are fed and pottied and coffee is made, you will find me online.  Specifically checking Facebook to see what may have happened in all my friends lives over night.  Checking Flickr for my contacts new photos and my Charter email are also on the list of things to check daily.  Well, I must be an addict.  Yesterday my daughter decided she was going to take the laptop with her as she was spending the night at a friend's house.  So from yesterday just after lunch until today at about 5pm, I was computer-less.  I didn't get online at all.  Let me clarify, I do have an old PC that is in our basement set up on a desk that is fully functional and our wireless is hooked to that so we can freely use the laptop upstairs.  But I honestly don't like sitting in my basement using that old behemoth.  Possibly once I get my basement put together that won't seem like such a horrible option, but for now, I prefer to sit on the couch or in bed while using the computer.  So for nearly 30 hours, I was disconnected from my internet world.  What happened?  Online, not a whole lot really.  People updated status, posted photos, told news of funny or sad circumstances, but nothing Earth shattering (forgive me friends if something you posted was Earth shattering to you).  What happened offline during that same timeframe for me?  I repainted and organized a closet, completed all the weekend chores on my list, baked cookies, went to my mom and dad's to drop off his birthday gift, did grocery shopping as well as treated myself to a gift, did some reading, slept and napped.  I did a lot of things.  Sometimes, I push off junkk on my list because the computer seems to make time fly by and before you know it hours have passed. 

Like tonight!  I got on the computer I think at 5:30pm and it is now nearly 8:00pm.  It's like a part-time job keeping up with all this stuff! :) 

There are people who say all this technology is bad and some who say its great.  I am one who thinks it is pretty dern awesome.  The ability to touch the lives of many friends, share in funny statuses, peek at their families in photos - whether I comment on each thing or not, is a blessing. Think about all those friends we are connected to because of this venue.  How many of them would you share these little things with individually?  A handful maybe, there just isn't enough time in our lives to maintain that sort of minute by minute details with each and every one.  Some people we are "friends" list may not even be friends any longer if it weren't for social sites like Facebook.  Between job moves, boyfriend changes, and the rest of life happening some people just fall out of our scope and poof they disappear.  But not anymore.  Now we can keep that thread of friendship alive.

Now that all the statuses of the last day or so have been gone over, blogs read, photos viewed and yes, dern games played...my internet withdrawal has been satisfied once again.  Now if I could just catch up with my cousin Eddie playing Family Fued online I would be happy! :)

Little Things and Happiness

I just love when something small can really make your day.  For about a year now, my beloved iPod which I had loaded with all my music has been sitting in a drawer because I thought it had a problem.  Yes these small devices sometimes get glitches and I thought mine had one, tried resetting it and all that good stuff but the sound was still cruddy.  Figured out today that it wasn't my iPod but the dern speaker/dock I plug it into!  A simple trip to Target for a new dock station (and yes I always buy the least expensive) solved my problem.  So for less than $30.00, my music has been blaring out of the other room while I have been fiddling around in the house.  I love music - all kinds - and the thought of all of that being gone was just horrible to me.  I know, you all are thinking, all I would have to do is get an iPod and put my music from iTunes back on there.  See, that was my other issue.  About a year ago also my laptop fried due to a bad motherboard and although I had music on backup, it was about 6-7 months old and I had put a bunch of music in my computer during that timeframe.  So until I can get all that music reloaded into a new computer, at least it is on my iPod! 

Guster is playing and I am happy, in fact I am Happier! Happier (live from the Orpheum in Boston)

Come on Spring!

It is days like today that I start wishing Spring along.  Just came in from taking Jing-Mei out for her final potty of the night and it is just downright frigid.  Now we have had colder days this winter than tonight, but for some reason the air just cut through me.  Pretty sure we have winter weather in the forecast in the next few days and as long as it isn't my definition of bad, then that is fine.  I would much prefer the cold air be accompanied by some snow.

Got me thinking how my favorite season has changed with the seasons of my life.

I remember growing up loving the summer!  Oh I couldn't wait for it, it was my favorite.  Playing outside, riding bikes, and when I got a bit older I had my backyard tanning.  Back then it was all the rage to tan as dark as you wanted, I used straight up baby oil and glistened while soaking up those rays.  Not the wisest of decisions but what's done is done.

Winter weather was a close second when I was young.  We would have snow ball fights, build snow forts, do those running slide moves down the street in front of the house and hope not to fall and hurt ourselves, of course there was the sledding too.  One year that didn't end up so swell for me.  I think I was 13 years old and was sledding (standing up) down the hill in our front yard and down I went.  Proceeded to sit out in the snow for half an hour to an hour because my father thought I was fooling around.  By the time my mother found out I was actually hurt and scolded my father to go help me up I was quite cold and mad and got myself into the house somehow, only to be taken shortly thereafter to the hospital.  Broken tail bones are not a funny thing to have happen. 

But those were my young days and with my young days, summer and winter have also faded away and are no longer my favorites.  Summers are too hot and winters are too cold.  I think it's the little old lady in me emerging before I am ready for her.

Now I love spring and fall, each basically for the same reasons.  The temperatures are more mild, the air smells nicer, the colors are brighter.  Every spring I get into a full throttle energy boost and I am just doing and going as much as I can.  My yard becomes my haven, I will spend evenings after getting home from work tinkering in the yard and then spend hours upon hours on the weekends doing the same thing.  Whether it be doing actual yard work or improvements, or just sitting outside under the patio umbrella reading a book and drinking tea, I will just be out there.  I love to fill up my bird feeders and watch the birds, squirrels, bunnies, and last year I had a small family of rats that visited as well.  Don't anyone panic!  They weren't like big New York gigantic rats, they were just larger than mice rats and as long as they behaved with the other animals in the backyard I was fine with them.  Besides they didn't live in my yard, they would just visit from elsewhere and go back once the food supply vanished. 

So when this cold weather like we have now is bitter and keeping me indoors, I begin getting a little antsy for spring.  I know it's just around the corner and cannot wait to start in with my flowers and plants again. 

Serenity Now

So I've seen a fair share of Seinfeld....


It's a bit after 7pm on a Wednesday night, I am sitting on my bed with the computer on my lap. There is no sound other than the ticking of the kitchen clock and the pounding of my keyboard.  I am by far THE LOUDEST typer there ever was.  If anyone were to poll my workplace friends and ask them to say something about me, I am sure my typing would be mentioned a dozen times.  Along with my singing and compulsive neat desk tendencies.  So other than the tick and click going on in the background, I have peace.  No television, no radio, no traffic noises...now there are the occasional airplanes overhead as I live just a hop~skip~jump from the airport.  But having lived near this airport for most of my life, planes honestly don't bother me anymore and I rarely notice them unless it's one that makes my windows start rattling.

The past week, instead of sitting in my livingroom after dinner and watching tv and "computering", I have brought the computer in my room, piled my bed up with all the books that I am currently reading a bit of each night (of which there are five) and sit in the comfort of my space and relax.  This is really working for me well because I feel so much less stress in the evening.  I am growing to love my bedroom as I am filling it with things that say "home" to me.  Having gone 15 years without a bedroom of my own, this past year of having one has been nice.  It's nothing fancy, all of my furniture with exception of my bedside tables, are hand-me downs.  My rocking chair is from my Great Aunt May, the Chiffarobe (armoire) is from my mom, the dresser and chest of drawers is my Grandma Elizabeth, the bed belonged to an old boyfriends mother.  Most of the knick knacks and wall stuff, I have gathered just over the last year from antique stores.  All this combined though seems to make a perfect puzzle for me, it all just feels right. 

Sometimes it takes a while to feel comfortable in a place, I felt like I was home the day I bought this house last year.  Now that I am here, I can't imagine living anywhere else.  I just want to keep fixing it up just right so every corner has my mark.  My 2011 "project list" is long, nothing is earth shattering that anyone would probably even notice that I had done, none of it is going to be expensive.  That's the best kind of projects in my opinion!  This week I decided I was going to freshen up the closet in the 3rd bedroom.  Tomorrow I am going to pull up the very stylish red and black carpet in the bottom of the closet (not sure why, but all the closets had/have this atrocious carpet in them), Friday I plan to empty the closet out.  Saturday I am going to paint the inside walls and shelves.  Sunday is the put back together and organize the stuff day.  Since we basically use this closet as a coat closet and to store our vacuum cleaner, it's not going to be that difficult of a task.  Thinking about getting a set of matching coat hangars (I know...exciting!!!!)and a couple matching boxes to store our gloves, hats and scarves.  That should just about do it.  The other odds and ends in there now will need to find another home.

Yep, so this is my blog post today!  Just my thoughts and tonight I was thinking about this ;)

Short Fuse

My daughter can push my buttons by simply doing nothing and that is the worst thing.  As a parent, I have always tried to do anything and everything I can to help make things easier, better, faster, and bigger for my daughter.  After 20 years the realization that everything I did was not the best route to take when trying to raise an independent person.  I often feel taken advantage of as well as her personal unpaid and unthanked servant. 

How do I change this path?  Feeling this way and being angry, blowing my top, are not the ways I want to be and behave. 

Second Chances

Today my thoughts have been rallied around people, particularly those in my family.  Over the holiday weekend, my last living grandparent passed away.  Grandma Essie was 96 years old.  It was a sad realization to me to have that thought...my last grandparent died.  On one hand it was a sad day, knowing that my dad lost his mother.  My dad doesn't grieve well, that is all I will say about that.  On the other hand, I didn't shed a tear, I felt no loss of family companionship or history. 

Nearly my entire extended family on both my mother and father's sides of the family are essentially incommunicado.  I don't want to give the impression that no one speaks to anyone else at all, but on a whole, I couldn't tell you who is on speaking terms and who isn't.  Nor do I know the reason why, how it started, how long it has gone on or how long it will last?  Even those who dearly love one another don't seem to take the time to visit, share holidays, stay in touch or act as if they belong to a part of a much larger family. 

Most of my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins-children - I haven't seen for the better part of my life and in some cases ever.  I have cousins I don't know about, don't know their name, what they look like...anything.  There are aunts and uncles I haven't seen since I was 15 or 16 years old (nearly 30 years) who I have bumped into in grocery stores, gas stations, etc.  I recognize them because they have always been adults my entire life, but they haven't recognized me.  I have stood directly behind them in a checkout line and not said a word and let them walk out a complete stranger.  Usually I phone my mother and tell her of my recent "spotting" but that is it.  Are there other families out there that are like this?  Certainly my dysfunctional family is not the only nut in the bowl?  Why is it that families just stop?  Stop caring enough to visit or call? 

There are those in my family who I wouldn't wish to re-establish contact with for reasons I shall not name, but there are some who I long to have as a part of who I am.  The past cannot be undone, time will not turn back no matter how we wish it would, but the future is ours, it is mine to shape in the way I chose.

Facebook has made it so easy now to just drop a quick hello and although that doesn't solve the bigger issue, it is a start.  It's one plank of a bridge that is being rebuilt as we walk across it.  I have made one major reconnection in 2010 and feel that is just the start, it's like getting a taste of something sweet and wanting another bite.  I want to fill up my photo album with smiling faces and memories to last me long after those we love so dear pass on. 

Not saying I am inviting the whole clan over for a summer cookout, but ya know...maybe I will!

It's a New Year

Here it is 2011 already!  2010 was a good year despite some of the bumps and potholes on the road of life. 

Looking back to 2010, I rung in the New Year last year with my dearest friend Nathan.  We don't get to spend too much time together any longer as we live thousands of miles apart so I look forward to the day or two we get each year.  When he lived in town I took advantage of that, we hung out nearly everyday, he lived right next door! The day he got in his car to make the drive to his new home in Seattle was heart wrenching to me and every time I say see ya later since still brings tears to my eyes, I'm sad now just thinking about it. But...he's pursuing a dream and his happiness is mine. 

Shortly after the new year began last year I re-established contact with my cousin Robin.  Many people may not understand how a family as large as the one I belong to can go decades without seeing or talking to their family.  When I think about it, it baffles me as well.  It had been 30 plus years since I had last seen Robin!  Since that day, man what a road we have traveled!  We've only "gotten together" once since last January, but we have emailed and messaged so much (we are both chatty writers).  I know so much more about her, her thoughts, fears, joys, struggles.  It had been so long but the years we lost to time, have seemed to melt away and she has become one of my best friends, the person I go to with my inner self that I have never shared with anyone else. Her grace and spirit has filled me with a hope and joy that I may otherwise not have got experienced.  Having this beautiful person back in my life has been the biggest gift received this year. 

The "middle" part of my year was in most respects uneventful.  Some may find that boring, but it gave me time to do home improvements and just "be".  I didn't take in as many day trips as I normally like to do, looking back I wish I would've fit more into my schedule.  Definitely going to make that a bigger priority in this coming year. 

My dear doggie, Java Con Queso, passed away this summer completely and utterly unexpectantly.  Java was a six-year old Papillon who on outward appearances was a beautiful, smiley and lovable little pet.  Despite her incessant barking that was ear-piercing, the fact that she preferred to pee pee on her potty pad in the house instead of outside, and that she was just down-right mean to the cat...she was a funny girl and I still miss her so.  Not sure if my other two remaining pets do, as they have found a sense of quiet and calm now that the bossy alpha pet is not stealing their treats, toys and biting the sides of their heads just for the kicks of it. 

In September my daughter and I both celebrate our birthdays and to acknowledge that I, as a 44 year old, am the mother to a 20-year old is quite disturbing.  Not sure where those 20 years went to as it feels like I was in high school not too long back.  Growing up I always remember my mom saying this same thing and thinking she was crazy, of course she was old enough to have a child 20 years old because she was "old"!  Well when I was 20 my mom wasn't as old as I am now with my daughter and yet I am not "old".  Perspective certainly changes over the years now doesn't it! 

November came and I celebrated a one-year anniversary in my new home.  My "new" home is someone else's 50+ year old home but it is my first house and I couldn't be more proud to be a homeowner.  Honestly never thought there would come a day as a single mother that I would be able to afford a home of my own.  The bad economy, although it brought and continues to bring heartache and loss to other families, enabled me to get into my first home.  With falling home prices, the first time homeowners incentive, my VA loan benefit earned for my active duty in the Army, and a job that I have now worked at over 15 years, a dream was able to come true for me.  It took a long time for this girl to get to the place where I felt like I was providing adequately for my daughter in this respect and now pulling into the driveway feels me with such pride.  For over a year now I have had a bedroom and a closet!  Things a lot of people take for granted, but for 15-years, we lived in a one bedroom duplex and the bedroom belonged to my daughter.  I had a bed and clothes rack in the basement, but honestly spent most night sleeping on the couch.  Basements are scary no matter how old you are! :) 

The year wound down quietly.  My last living grandparent passed away just a couple days ago.  My G'ma Essie (my dad's mom) was 96 years old.  Unfortunately this was another member of my family who I have not seen for way too long.  Thinking back, the last time I can remember seeing my grandma was at my high school graduation in May 1984.  Tweny-six years.  I can't remember her voice or her smile.  What I most remember about my grandma is her clothes, the photos of my dad and his siblings displayed in her home, Christmases surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins at her home. To the best of my knowledge she will be buried in Corning, Arkansas on Monday.  Yesterday the thought struck me that I no longer have a grandma or grandpa anywhere in this world.

The last minutes of 2010, I saw tick away with the same person I watched it come in on.  Nathan and I clicked glasses filled with sparkling grape juice as the ball came down.  Thank you Nate, and next year we've already agreed to do something "exciting". 

So as 2011 begins, I hope to make many more good memories with family and friends.  My wish to you all is may you be blessed with the love of family and friends, happiness in all your pursuits and good health.